What is anger?

It's a change in our mood: one minute we can be calm and logical and in an instant we can feel mildly irritated, then very irritated or in a micro second take a quantum leap to white hot rage. When we are angry generally all we think about is our anger and what caused it.

We often blame our outburst on events or people in our immediate surroundings. Irritations such as being held up in queues by customers who fumble for their small change. Or perhaps the motorist who takes our car parking spot. The shop assistant who is talking to friend on the phone while we are waiting to be served.  Thousands of things can make us angry but what is really going on in our minds and bodies?

As our mood changes certain things happen in our mind to make us angry. Firstly we have a thought; nothing much ever happens without a thought; that's where it all starts.  As an example, imagine a motorist is sat right on the tail of your car. You may think ‘that's dangerous, he might crash into me'. Your mood can change in an instant to irritable, angry, and enraged. Now things start to happen in the body: the heart starts to race, you feel tense, blood pressure goes up, you maybe sweat, and again in an instant our thoughts may lead to a change in our behaviour. For example, I will race away from the motorist or pull over and get behind him and flash my headlights right into his mirror.

What is happening to us is a chain reaction and it's fast and furious and very often illogical. Our rational mind is blinded by the angry hot thought and it goes round and round often building in intensity.

Mainly anger is unhelpful. Sometimes when we get angry it makes others angry and confrontation follows. Often when we are angry we lose control and if you are often angry you are never going to learn how to handle the situations that cause it. It's best to try to understand why you are getting angry and gain control over it.

Anger is mainly about our thinking processes as what makes one person angry doesn't make another person angry. For some of us we may have been brought up in families where we got used to seeing and hearing anger being used in various situations. We may then think this is a fairly normal response and carry on the tradition in our own lives.  Alternatively we may have fallen into the habit of blaming and take everything personally or developed negative thinking processes.

How do we challenge our angry thoughts?
First of all learn to recognise them as angry thoughts. And then challenge them. An angry thought is one that flashes into your mind and makes you feel worse. We are creatures of habit and we have a tendency to repeat these same hot angry thoughts over and over. Often angry thoughts are negative thoughts and often we take things personally when we shouldn't. For example, if you are in a café and someone looks over at you you may think ‘he is looking at me because he thinks I am stupid'. This could be a thinking error: you have no real idea what that person is thinking. Try challenging such thoughts, for example, ‘yes he is looking over here but I haven't a clue what he is really thinking'. This is a more balanced way of looking at the situation.

Some myths about anger. Sometimes because of our life experiences or beliefs we inherit from others we develop our own anger justification system.  In other words we excuse our bad behaviour to suit our self's and our skewed thinking processes.

For example:

• I was born with it, it's in my genes, my dad and my granddad were both angry so I am bound to be the same aren't I?  Well no, not exactly, anger isn't inherited it can be learned and then adopted as your own.
• If I don't let out my anger I will explode. Losing your temper is never helpful; shouting, slamming doors, hitting: it all just makes you feel worse afterwards and guilty.
• If you don't show your anger you must be a wimp. No, being in control of your emotions is much better than anger. You can be assertive, logical and in control: that's not wimpish.
• My anger is something that people fear and it keeps me safe. This is a belief often born out of previous life experiences but it's unhelpful and potentionaly dangerous. Firstly when you meet somebody with the same beliefs you may be seen as threatening and there is a possibility of real conflict. Secondly you may have difficulty making real friends. Friendships are not formed on fear; relationships will be difficult to maintain, who wants to be around an angry person?
• If I get angry it will take away my anxiety. This is a victim mentality: you are just exchanging one negative emotion for another. Anxiety can be dealt with in much more helpful ways.
• I can be angry if I want to because of what people have done to me. Again this is a victim stance. It is natural to feel angry and aggrieved when we have been badly treated or been taken advantage of but don't hold on to it for ever. Look at your thinking "where is this anger getting me now"?

Is anger ever usefull?
Anger sets up the ‘fight or flight' emotional response in our bodies if you feel that you need to get out of a situation as a defensive move, then it can be.

So watch out for angry hot thoughts, challenge them and see if you are making errors of thinking. Examine long held beliefs about anger and challenge those too.  Recognise when you are getting angry and loosing control and step away from the thought or if possible think logically: anger is a dangerous illogical emotion.

Sometimes our anger is deep rooted and we may need to seek professional help, many life situations need working through. For example, shame, humiliation, abuse, being done wrong to, repressed anger, being controlled or controlling behaviour. Don't stay angry seek help and move on.

- James Harris, 2010